My brain was stirring …. Or was it? A mist hovering above me.

A dream of an angel, she is soothing me. Telling me it is all right, that I am safe now. Her arms move forward to hug me. Those eyes are compelling. I want to know who she is. What she means. I feel so safe, so content. Tears of joy roll down my face. Her raspberry lips do not move but I hear the breathless voice. “Sleep dear child, sleep, you are free, you are good, you are blessed.”.

I believe her. I cannot move. Her hand brushes my face. The warmth from her body comforts me. I am happy, warm and frozen in time. She kisses the tears from my cheeks. I lie helpless and happy beyond measure. I do not know why she is here, I do not understand, I do not worry.

I want to know her name. I try to speak. The words will not come. My voice is trapped in my throat. Bliss, I will call her Bliss. Her lips tenderly alight on mine. Her breath is warm and sweet scented as she slowly whispers “Sleep dear child, sleep. I am Mother Earth. I am your Angel and you are mine.” .

She melts into the fog. She is like the air. She has melted away into the breeze.

I am falling. I am sinking. I am forgetting and I want so much to remember her.
She is gone. I am gone. I am asleep.


Was Yesterday … Friendship? Love? Both?

Was it friendship? Was it love? Was it both? Friendship is love.

Yesterday was a wild, wonderful day! Full, busy and fun!

Here is the best thing about yesterday, which, obviously I saved for last in my intro. It was a happy day! I went to a small hamlet nearby and enjoyed a two and a half hour brunch with one of my best friends, Marie. That is not her real name but she is oh so real and oh so good. We are friends, best friends. We have discovered that we think alike. Our abusive families of origen, (which are only mentioned when personal resilience is present), are very similar. Unfortunately in some family abuse, one child is targeted. In my family I was the whipping boy, the target. My parents mentored my siblings to share in the abuse so that my life was only as good worthless as they deemed fit. It is a worse life existence for little girls because somebody, somewhere, at some time will prey on their vulnerability and sexual abuse may occur. Far too often these poor angels end up tortured and/or dead.

So for tortured blessed angels like Marie and I, when we discover that we are abuse survivor doppelgängers of a sort, it presents the chance that a faith in each other, a friendship may be possible. Faith is a foundation of friendship. For her and I, not only is this friendship possible, it is a reality. We have been acquainted for the past 6 years through our mutual commitment to a long term recovery program. I have been in recovery since early 2003. It is only this year  that I felt I was able to become a good friend to this fellow survivor.

My experience  in ‘the rooms’ (since June ’05) has shown me that people enter as victims. But if they work hard at their recovery, they can cease being victims and start enjoying their lives as survivors.

Marie has worked hard at her recovery as I have. When she spoke in the group I realized how sharp her mind was, is. Now we are recent friends and very recently we are best friends. As with all relationships, whether it be friendship or more, there are boundaries. One obvious boundary is that our agendas have different goals. In spite of that, what a wonderful friendship it is.

… Rain, Rain And More Rain!

It is early. I have been up since before three-thirty this morning. It is now a quarter to four and the birds are … well, they are singing in the rain. I feel rested after my somewhat usual five hours of sleep.

The water is rising. The flooding that had already occurred and then relented has returned. The forecast is not good. Lake Ontario is rising. As I lay listening to the rain I thought of S/V Lyra. Lyra is a Tanzer 28 sailboat. She is still on the hard on her cradle at the marina. As the rain and wind build more water into eastern Lake Ontario, it continues to rise. With last weekends large rainfall the water is high at the marina on the Bay of Quinte. Now we are forecast to get substantially more rain than last weeks water that flooded many parts of south-western Quebec. The destruction to the peoples homes and lives is horrifying.

I am hoping that the water doesn’t rise much more. I think Lyra is safe on her cradle. I am speculating that in order for her to be floated off her cradle, the water would have to rise by three feet. If that happens it will be a critical disaster for eastern Canada and the U. S. I would have to volunteer, to assist in whatever way this nearly 62 years old, young man can. Hopefully, my above mentioned concerns are not warranted.

Life is good! I am enjoying this life with all of it’s challenges and rewards.

The other good news is that I have un-Facebooked myself. For myself, social media is devoid of real communication. If people are not worth talking to live, either in person or by telephone, then why bother? We don’t need false Amber Alerts, or to be told somebody famous has died … 3 years ago. My experience has been that, at best, social media is good for publishing. Having said the foregoing, I do sometimes re-activate my FB account to publish an article such as this one. FB does serve some purpose. I have found that sincere, human communication does not usually occur. I do admit that social media can and does play a role with some sort of slight benefit. The United Airlines fiasco is a somewhat reasonable example of that, but we could have heard about it on the news, if we are the type of person that listens to the news. That is not personal communication, that is just news reporting, with a comment section that allows toxic diatribes and ranting, islamaphobia and other forms of racism. And of course, name-calling and personal insults.

It is extremely disturbing that Facebook is abused by people posting video’s of rapes, murders, and the depraved video of the infanticide of an 11 month old baby. It is disgusting that these videos go viral.

That was the tipping point for me. Therein lies the rub.

Wunnerful … Really Wunnerful

Out of bed at 0530 this morning weighing only 227 pounds. Yesterday morning I was 229 pounds. So in the past 24 hours I have lost 2 pounds. Four days ago I started the walking/running program, again. I walk for five minutes and then run for two minutes. And I do that for at least an hour . Thursday and Friday I did 4.5 kilometres and Saturday I did 7.7 kms. Yesterday it took me about an hour and a half to cover the 7.7 kms. So if I do the same route today but add a little, certainly I will surpass 8 kms. Then of course I am compelled to go 10 kms. During yesterday’s run I did five sets of 10 pushups. I will do the same amount of push-ups today. This Thursday will be the start of the second week, I will walk four and run three for the week. I’ll see how that goes.

Even after only three days of running, it feels good. I don’t miss the loss of those 11 pounds!

Me levanté en 0530 esta mañana sólo 227 libras de peso. El ayer por la mañana era 229 libras. Así que en las últimas 24 horas he perdido 2 libras. Hace cuatro días que comenzó el programa en ejecución a pie, otra vez. Caminar durante cinco minutos y luego haga funcionar durante dos minutos. Y hago para por lo menos una hora. El jueves y el viernes hice 4,5 km y el sábado hice 7,7 kms. Ayerme tomó aproximadamente una hora y media para cubrir el 7,7 kms. Así que si hacen la misma ruta de hoy, pero añadir un poco, sin duda superará a 8 kms. Luego por supuesto me veo obligado a ir de 10 kms. Durante la ejecución de ayer hice 5 series de 10 flexiones. Hoy haré la misma cantidad de flexiones de brazos. Este jueves será el comienzo de la segunda semana, yo se caminar cuatro y tres para la semana. Voy a ver cómo va.

As You Know …

… I have not been writing here. And why is that, my friend? What is it that allows you to ignore, mute or quell this passion and still continue to breathe! Yes that arrogant breath, allowing itself to be used for nefarious words. Cruel dispersions cast without sense of consequence.

It was a fantastic summer of 2016. Even better it was full. Full of water, fun and learning. I earned my Sail Canada Basic Cruising Standard and with in 30 days of completing that I purchased a sailboat. Indeed, a Tanzer 28. Built in 1973 in Dorion, Quebec. The engine is a 2003 Vetus 16 hp, 2 cylinder, diesel inboard. It also has a 3.5 hp kicker, an outboard. There is a 10 foot inflatable dinghy.

I am counting the days to the end of April. The sooner the boat is in the water the better.

The boat will need a generator. I am certain it will be a Honda 2000 watt generator. They are very quiet. Honda dealerships are numerous so service is available with little cost or inconvenience.

Three new batteries and a quality intelligent battery charger have already been purchased. I need to get some LCD bulbs and install.

The list is long.


Kayak Take Two

What great fun! I was on the water just after 1pm. I jumped in before I climbed into the boat. The water is nice. Very nice. Slightly cool.

So I got to practice some skills. Reverse paddling. Self-rescues. Bracing. No skeg. And Paddle Float rolls. About 20 of them and 5 rolls.

After that it was a paddle to Beveridges Lock, Stonehouse Island and back to Rideau Ferry. I spent 3 hours on the water today. It was interesting to watch the weather front slowly move in. The rain held off so the visibility was still excellent.

Finally, the arrival of rain.

Splish Splash

Kayaking is on my mind. I was on/in the water for two hours. I also spent two hours this past Friday and four hours on Saturday. I took Sunday off. I am working on: rolling, bracing, stern and bow rudders, paddling backwards, etc.
I do not use the stern any more. Sarah advised me to do that and I have maintained that habit since she spoke of it.

My rolling program right now entails me doing a number of paddle float rolls. Like 10 or 20 followed by two attempts at a roll without the float. I will do five float rolls followed by 1 roll attempt. That means I will do twenty float rolls and four rolls. I’ll add an extra roll in there to make it an even five.
The paddle float rolls slow down the speed slightly. But that is good because that is time to think and observe.

The hip flick needs improvement. I am not relaxed. I need to relax when I droop my head to the lower right/back. Must ensure the head stays down and to the right. That is where I am at, again. It is going to happen. The New 5+1 Plan is going to slowly raise my success rate.

I did venture into Big Rideau Lake. I went west of the buoy. I did a number of paddle float rolls there. I did not attempt any rolls because the water was choppy, fast. I cannot see the rolls because underwater my vision is severely curtailed. That is a good learning environment.
I could use the contacts and a mask if need be. But I would prefer not to.

It was a fantastic evening. I like boats. The water is at a comfortable temperature right now.

Tomorrow I will go early. Work on hip flicks.